The 87th Annual Academy Awards took place last weekend and if you haven’t already seen all the recaps and reviews I will gladly put it all in a nutshell for you. There was a red carpet, fancy dresses, questions for men about their acting, questions for women about their clothing, as well as cheap jabs at immigrants and African American hair-dos. Some awards for achievements in film were given out too. If you’ve been feeling left out from all the Oscar discussions at your office during coffee breaks I’ve got you covered with all the must-know information and some snarky remarks and commentary you can borrow. What’s mine is yours. The crowd will love you!
The Red Carpet
Every woman’s dress was scrutinized and analyzed, dissected and compared, questioned and judged, however most media somehow failed to comment on the fact that all men present at the awards seemed to be wearing the same outfit in different colors. The Red Carpet this year couldn’t boast any iconic dresses or suits, and I’m afraid Bjork’s Swan Dress from the 73d Academy Awards (2001) still stands as the most iconic Oscar Red Carpet dress. (Be sure to mention the exact number, 73, to show just how savvy you are.)
The awards for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Original Screenplay were predicted to go to either Boyhood or Birdman as soon as the nominees were announced. The public was (and still is) largely divided into two camps, each convinced their personal favorite is the obvious winner, while the other is a pretentious, overambitious, and, to put it bluntly, boring film.
Boyhood deals with the coming-of age story of an average American Boy and the life of his small but dysfunctional family. The movie took 12 years to film and takes 2.5 hours to convey the boy’s transition from boyhood (hence the name) to teenage hood, and later into adulthood in excruciating detail. The director and screenwriter did not hesitate to expose us to the mundane and minutiae, hoping to make all of us re-live the awkwardness of growing up and going through acne-ridden puberty only to grow up average-looking at best. I’m sure we can all relate.
Birdman, on the other hand, presents us with a faux-single-take excursion into the life of a washed-up and nearly forgotten actor who became famous for a franchise of super-hero movies where he depicted Birdman (hence the name). Extremely displeased by the fact that he was pigeonholed (get it?) into a single role he attempts to reignite his career by writing, directing, and starring in a Broadway play. The movie can boast some spectacular cinematography, great editing, but its plot is, unfortunately, quite simple, shallow, and aimed to please the crowd of old men in the Film Academy who will see their reflection in the no longer relevant character depicted by Michael Keaton.
In the end, the irrelevant-old-men-crowd pleaser won. Birdman got the awards for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Original Screenplay, and now that’s all anyone talks about.
To the chagrin of women all around the world, Benedict Cumberbatch (aka Broccoli Cucumber; Bangladesh Columbia; Balsdkjf Caeoifcn; etc.) did not win an Oscar (or a BAFTA earlier in the year). Despite his stunning depiction of Alan Turing in the historically inaccurate “Imitation Game” the Oscar (and a BAFTA earlier in the year) for Best Lead Actor went to Eddie Redmayne, who played Stephen Hawking in “The Theory of Everything”. When talking about this it is paramount that you point out that Bundersquatch Crumpetsnatch has previously also been Stephen Hawking in a movie, and in your humble yet well-informed opinion, he did a better job.
As Alejandro Inarritu was about to receive his Oscar for Best Director, Sean Penn, who was to give him the award, made a playful joke, sarcastically asking “Who gave this son of a b*** his green card?” Everyone and their mother has an opinion on this joke, but the bottom line is that Penn and Inarritu are very good friends in real life and this was just a joke. Nonetheless, it was stupid and irresponsible to tell that joke in front of millions of people watching the Oscars.
The media also wouldn’t be the media if there wasn’t any racism involved. Because individuals in the American Police force aren’t doing enough to show that racism is alive and well in the Land of the Free, a journalist from Fashion Police (I’m beginning to notice a pattern here… Maybe it’s time for the US to take a play out of the Russian book and just rename their forces?) made a comment on actress’s Zendaya Coleman hair. The journalist felt like the actress’s hair smelled like “perchouli oil and weed”, taking a cheap jab at the fact that the actress is African American and was boasting some very beautiful dreadlocks. All jokes aside, this was just racist, unprofessional, and outrageous.
That’s it, my lovely reader. With this information you’ll be the most well-informed participant of your office’s water-cooler Oscar discussions.