Being a single girl is kind of an emotional rollercoaster – sometimes you absolutely adore being able to binge-watch Scandal and stay up until 4am with a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s to myself. But sometimes, you’re crying into that pint of ice cream and wish you had someone to spoon with, that night. So when you see a couple in love walking down the street, or anywhere in public, a whole bunch of feelings go down, and these are the stages it happens in.
1. They think they’re adorable. They think that their PDA is the best thing on earth. You are forced to absorb this couple who is soaking in their glow like they think they’re king and queen.
2. Why do they have to take up the whole street?
3. Now you have to walk in slow motion, and weirdly close behind them because you’re rushing. But they’re going to think you’re doing something weird like smelling their hair or just being a creep.
4. The grossness of this couple who is obsessed with each other almost makes you glad to be single. I would way rather make out with a tub of mac and cheese than be these embarrassingly sappy couple.
5. You wonder if the girl is jealous of your freedom and ability to have alone time with said mac and cheese whenever the hell you want to, without some dude texting you heart-eye emojis, forcing you to go out on a date night instead.
6. You also automatically feel bad for the girl’s single friends, who have been left in the dust of their friend’s new relationship. In the rare occasion that she does come out, she’s the worst wing-woman ever and is texting her boyfriend every five minutes.
7. It seems as if the hand-holding has multiplied. You can’t walk in the street without being bombarded by duos who think they’re cute, but they’re just sickening.
8. You slowly realize that you are the minority, and start getting a little self-conscious, after so boldly professing how these couples straight up nauseate you.
9. You wonder if you will ever be one half of the hand-holding duo that some single girl has to dodge.
10. You contemplate buying a dog to fill the void of loneliness that is slowly filling your heart as you wade through a sea of cheek-kissing hand-holders. Cute girl walking her cute dog is less scary than a girl at home with one or many cats, right? Canine might be the solution.
11. But then you realize that you can barely take care of yourself, and the idea passes pretty quickly. You wonder if the couple that walked by you can take care of themselves, or if they’re just pretending by showering each other with affection and the fake snobbery of being in love.
12. But two people not knowing how to navigate anything in life is still better than one, you realize, and your thoughts return to that comforting mac and cheese which you wish would just fall out of the sky right now.
13. You think about dating a chef, and realize that this might solve all your problems.
14. But then you remember that being in a relationship involves mutual care-taking, and you’ll probably have to do a lot of shit for him as well, and you prefer pampering yourself first. Singledom does mean being lonely sometimes, but it also means that you focus on your fabulous self 100 percent of the time!
15. Ok, who are you kidding. You’d way rather some dude pamper you than you having to pamper yourself.
16. You are still being bombarded by cheek-kissing hand-holders! And you just saw an ass squeeze! Not ok, guys. You wonder if you are the only single person left in the world.
17. Your thoughts zoom back to all of those horrible dinner parties and events where your terrible couple friends try to set you up with the worst, least attractive person ever, and they tell you that if you do X or Y, of course you wouldn’t be single anymore!
18. You wonder how long those couple friends or these anonymous couples in the street will take to break up. At least three of these couples breaking up has to happen.
19. You start planning your single adventures with friends who have boyfriends that you hope will soon be ex-boyfriends. You kind of feel guilty for this, but also not really, because another bitter and single partner in crime sounds kind of amazing.
20. You start fantasizing about your Thelma and Louise lifestyle where you and your ride or die homegirl slay dudes and drink beers, living your single girl lives to the fullest with absolutely no regrets.