When I am a future wife, I hope that I can afford to have a nanny and a housekeeper. Because I will probably be highly inept at actually maintaining a household. As a wife, I promise to do many things. I will love you with all of my heart, but this will probably not show in our shared living space. Because I’m a wild child at heart, and it will take more than a husband to tame me.
1. I get bored incredibly easily. Instead of cleaning, I would find distractions, like alphabetizing things that probably shouldn’t be alphabetized, and doing some horrific DIY attempts that make the house look like a Pinterest project gone terribly wrong.
2. Our bed would look like more of a war zone than a love zone.
3. By this, I mean that there will always be a plethora of various crumbs in our bed. Pizza crumbs, brownie crumbs, Doritos, enough for a crumb rainbow.
4. I won’t be able to vacuum these crumbs because your vacuum cleaner will have died from when I tried to vacuum a combinations of spilled pennies and old gum. No one said there were rules to these things?
5. Also stains. Lots of stains, on the sheets and on various things because no one taught me how to use stain remover.
6. The bed would never be made. The farthest I would come would be moving clothes from the floor to the bed, and covering that masterpiece with your comforter. Mess taken care of.
7. There would not be a sexy-wife-waiting-in-her-silk-robe scenario for you. Instead, when you get home from work I will probably be wearing stained sweatpants and your old soccer tee with unwashed hair. Sorry I’m not sorry.
8. Burning meals all the time. I tried to cook once and it didn’t work.
9. And consequentially, purchasing a spaghetti entree from the Italian restaurant down the street because I can’t even cook pasta properly.
10. Doesn’t that still count as having a hot meal ready when you walk through the door?
11. I would have to hide piles of menu that acted as this secret “cooking” weapon so it wouldn’t be found out.
12. I would spend all your money on sheets because I can’t do laundry properly.
13. The one time I attempt it, I will probably stain your favorite shirt, but be too scared to tell you and shove it under some couch cushion somewhere. Housewife of the year award.
14. The bathroom would probably be lacking in towels, and is not the Martha Stewart dream that every man dreams of. The shelves are covered in my old products that I was supposed to throw in the trash a while ago.
15. If you ever wanted me to host a dinner for your work friends or family, my attempts would be embarrassing. Cocktails? Um, there is this old, kind of warm beer and these tortilla chips without any salsa. Grocery shopping? What is that? More takeout please.
16. I tend to drink bottles of wine instead of glasses, like a lady should. So especially if you want me to host a dinner or have friends or your parents over, I’m not gonna gracefully have half a glass. Nope, I’m going full bottle of merlot.
17. So much dust on everything. And if our place doesn’t have a dishwasher, both of us are in trouble.
18. I’m already bad at paying the bills, so it would be way worse when responsible for someone else and myself. Wifi and power will probably go out at important and random moments, but one day we’ll be able to joke about it right?
19. Eating supermarket cake for dessert and pretending I baked it would happen regularly.
20. I would not be the greatest at knowing how to negotiate space – I’ll probably take up space in closet, clothing everywhere like you’re still living in college.
21. Our house will not be well decorated, and won’t have a theme or any type of color scheme, kind of just a mix of old things. I’ve only used an interior design magazine as a coaster for my coffee…
22. Not being able to bond with other wives because I have no verbal filter, and you will probably curse in front of their babies and get the evil eye.
23. Instead of developing any real skills over time, I would probably just learn to get really good at perfecting how to fake all of them.